Soul Searching Awareness

existential

Many years ago one of my closest friends, while going through a divorce, used to say that in order to deal with her soon-to-be ex husband she had to be wearing a Grace Kelly cape every time they had to connect to exchange their children. She would visualize herself in a diamond filled long cape that was extremely heavy and required poise and grace. It was in those moments that she kept her faith and truth in tact. Her entire world had been turned upside down as she learned of her husband’s infidelities. I have never met anyone endure so much and keep such a lady-like Jackie O attitude. When I would ask her how she was doing she would tell me, “I just put on my Grace Kelly cape and had to deal with him. The more irrational he gets the more diamonds I add to the cape. It takes all of me to keep my ego in line.” To this day, I remember her metaphor of wearing this glamorous cape that required presence and grace.

Truth is personal. It moves through soul searching. Its vehicle is grace. Everyone craves to find truth but I think it’s difficult for many to taste it, smell it, and truly listen to it. The more we search for our soul’s truth the faster Ego will provide chaos, insanity, and denial. I am often reminded that in those moments of soul searching I must put on my Grace Kelly cape loaded with giant stones dragging on the ground as I walk through the unknown with high heel shoes to keep myself poised, filled with integrity and balance.

Part of living the spiritual life is the awareness of deleting all expectations and disappointments. Often times I am faced with an existential crisis of truth. What do I do? How do I make it through this? What am I suppose be doing? But these days I am deeply aware that every crisis evolves into a lesson. It’s beautiful to step back and watch the soul searching for its authenticity. It’s in that truth that grace teaches us happiness, love, faith and the art of surrendering all. Speak to your soul, have your pep talks, and encourage it to tell you what (s)he needs. Awakening of the mind is waking to every feeling, acceptance and the love that the universe has for you. Love and light…sweet souls.

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Death of Self

consciousness

I am free in a way I’ve never known before. Everything that led me here has been magnificent. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I don’t do things in a easy way. I do them in my way. I don’t learn through effortless energy or through the mistakes of others. I learn through struggle, falling down and picking myself up. Until recently this was my genetic makeup. Until just a while ago. See, I finally got tired of making things so difficult. It took a severe case of amnesia, ending up in the hospital and even a near-death experience to stop the insanity.

My ego will never be erased completely but it has diminished greatly. It will never ever be gone. There are temporary moments of bliss without the ego chit chatting away that I wish would last forever. But, there are greater moments now than before this small death in which there is little fear, if any at all. I still have a million imperfections and quite a few that I’m sure annoy those around me. I am human. I am compassionate, silly, kind, oblivious, loving, sympathetic, courageous, spontaneous but I am still human with many flaws. But, they are MY flaws and I don’t feel the necessity to apologize like I used to on a daily basis for being me. I don’t go around trying to instill my ideas onto others, unless they ask what I think. And as always I try to tell them what I think by lovingly saying, “I believe….I think….this is only my opinion.” I don’t have the answers. Nowadays I am guided more by intuition than the analytical mind. This is a first in all of my life.

A small death has taken place inside of me. I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. The death of ego and all that it entails has also allowed me to surrender to feel comfortable in my own skin and in my choices of life. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I can see the profound expansion of lessons through their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of self. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!

I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama.

This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality.

Death is not like going to sleep, it’s more like waking up from a dream and realizing the person you were in the dream wasn’t you, the problems you had in the dream weren’t your problems and waking up from the dream to this world is like going back to sleep again and waking up in a dream world, forgetting who we are again and getting lost in the dream character, the character who we think we are and who has problems. Waking up in a dream and realizing we are not the dream character but the dreamer is enlightenment.” ~ Emmanuel Diogu

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I spent hours meditating on love. I began sending love to my closest family members, then friends, then strangers, then the world…moving from continent to continent. I felt my heart expand. Many times I sobbed while my heart ached with a thousand heart beats. As I departed several places where I know there are wars, death and mass destruction I found myself gasping for air: breathing deeper and exhaling every negative emotion attached to those places. I loved profoundly without being able to verbalize it, even now. I was cradled by God in a way that touched the core of all human connection. I received a clear message that Love is Letting Oneness Vibrationally Expand. This is what I was doing…expanding through vibrations. Death came and went many times during those moments. I don’t know where the hours went. Somewhere during my travels I lost space and time. It happens a lot lately. I am able to move through the veils of illusion and not be rushed.

My mini death moments are happening closer together. I do question a lot of things. That’s part of my newness. I was never one to question purpose and the unexplained notions of the world. I marvel at the simplest acts, and cherish the lessons that become our stories. I love these stories more than anything especially when they from others. So, thank you for allowing me to share my life with you. Thank you for allowing my moments here and partaking on my journey. I love you! I love that we might not know one another but we are deeply connected by the cord of humanity. Love and light to you!

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Vibration of Love

love is

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Love is…

reminding of love

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Reminder

you got this

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Nakedness of Letting Go

letting go

The other day a friend of mine stopped by to bring the baby some Valentine’s Day gifts. He and his girlfriend love our baby girl fiercely. This time when we spoke he was better than I have seen him in a long time. His energy was clear. He was on fire as he shared his recent accomplishment with his business while detailing the ins and outs of his goals. I told him that I was so happy because the last few times we visited he seemed truly depressed, down on his luck, and the feeling of overwhelming dread. Even though he always kept his spunky personality up, I could read through the charades. I understand what it is to put up a front. I also understand what it feels like to know there’s something more to the present circumstances.  It takes time to come to terms with loss and then rise to the new passions of endless possibilities.  You don’t have to reinvent the wheel but you can truly reinvent yourself.

We shared stories about loss, the destitution of having had money and then depending on others fore bare necessities. He shared how he had to be stripped of everything, including his car. This I know very well since I had to get rid of everything years ago. And, it is in that vulnerability and nakedness that power is born. We have no choice but to go up. So, to hear him express his newly business passion was awesome. It made me hopeful for my own goals. This period of time of uncertainty has slowly been passing. Doing nothing has allowed my spirit to chill and make no sudden irrational changes. I feel a mystical transformation arriving and it feels good.  Having my friend here was like having my own personal motivational speaker while being a cheerleader and pulling me with his newly found glee.  I, too, was left on fire with hope of a new way to reinvent myself.

Somehow we forget to surrender. When we are in a depression, embraced by anger and disappointments, we forget to just let go completely. It’s easier that way but we choose to fight easiness all the way to the bank. Often times we don’t allow ourselves the break of just being. Things will work out! My friend needed that time in order to find what really mattered. He had lived a successful life for many years. I believe he had to experience the side most people live on a daily basis. We all struggle through these economic times, personal losses, and the hardships of parenthood and adulthood. Many of us have to be stripped of everything materialistic in order to allow the ego to shut up. When you lose the extra baggage something magical happens: you are left to ask Spirit for help through an open heart of love. The money follows passion for helping others.  You want others to succeed.  You want others to have abundance with the freedom to pay it forward as well. We become vacant of everything but what truly matters to the soul.  It is then that the authentic self rises to the occasion and a new person is born.

I have had several moments in the past few months when I have doubted my own professional path. “What am I doing here? Why am I still in this place without barely making ends meet? What am I suppose to be doing? What can I do to to bring passion to my life again? How can I contribute to my life’s purpose?  What am I waiting for?” I know in the core of my essence I wasn’t put here just to pay bills and suffer month to month wondering if we will make it through another winter.  I know nothing during those times of mind struggle. I have nothing….oh, the questions and answers move around in a vortex.  It is through meditation that I find peace and quietness to deal with the nothingness and feel no guilt for wanting to stay there.  And, it is also through the winters that I find the real meaning of what comes next.

Today, remembering my friend, I am cutting myself some slack. I am sitting back watching the icy grounds, the sun melting the droplets from the trees, and enjoying the quietness of a winter mountain day. I am able to hear my little girl playing in her room, humming to herself, and every so often coming to sit on my lap. We have watched the dog run across the snow in the front lawn. We have laughed. I have no plans for today. I am cutting myself slack for the constant need of doing something productive. I don’t have to know the answers to my life this minute. I don’t have to know what will happen tomorrow. It’s in this nakedness of nothing and acceptance that I can enjoy today.  I keep letting go.

For the first time in months I am sleeping better. I am falling asleep and staying in dreamland throughout the night. The moment last week that I allowed myself to listen to his story I was reminded that I have been there…and now I am here. Give yourself permission to not have all the answers. But at the same time take time to meditate and reach the level of passion for the life you want. You have been placed on this earth for greatness…no matter what you do make it great!

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Letter to the Soul

Dearest Soul

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