Crap Happens Every Single Day

screws us

Things happen every day: the car broke down; I got to work late; I woke up feeling sick; I looked at my bank account and it’s overdrawn and I don’t know what happened; I think my husband is having an affair; etc….  There are millions of scenarios for every second of every day.  I am learning from every experience that the greatest part of happiness, suffering, joy, and all other emotions is dependent on the perception and disposition of how we relate to issues. It isn’t based on our circumstances or events or what seems to be happening when it all goes to hell in a hand basket. It is all based on how we relate to the situations. We get to choose to be stagnant or move forward.

Crap happens and it stinks big time. It happens to each one of us.  Heck, it happens to animals.  Ever watched a show on Discovery on how some animals in the jungle get to eat one day and not again for several weeks?  They can’t catch a break.  But, they don’t sit dwelling on what the hell is happening?  They keep moving forward in order to survive.  That’s all there is to it. If we allow the discomfort to set in and stay in that space then we are living on a reaction rather than shifting our perception. A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. It’s just a bad moment. In two minutes a phone call from a friend can alter that disappointment. You don’t have to reside in the negativity.  You have choices and the conscious decision to move past the negativity is also a learned behavior.  It’s not easy at first because we’ve been programmed to live in a woe-is-me state.

There are days that have themes. Today’s theme seems to be “moving on.”  We all have twists to our stories believing that we cannot do something because of timing. This afternoon I was changing a dirty diaper when a thought appeared: What dirty diaper are you in need of changing that keeps stinking up your life? Think about that and be honest with what is stagnant and stopping you from really moving forward whether it’s materialistic, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. The moment you stop waiting on someone else to come change you, you will be free. What’s stinking your life that needs major changes? It’s all a matter of how present and honest we are with our stories.  It takes the courage to get past the idea that we have control of our lives.

There is a point in your journey that you must truly take accountability for who you are. What will it take to remove the stink out of your life or will you continue to sit with it and pretend it’s not there? I don’t know about you, but unlike the elephant in the room, a dirty diaper can’t be ignored for too long…!

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You are the expert

expert of your life

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Pulling Roots

pulling roots

I did yard work today. The weather has been phenomenal. I am a person who needs to be outdoors. I think this is why I suffer through the winter. It’s amazing the things that come up with every bending, pulling and raking. It’s complete therapy for the mind, body and spirit. Something came up this morning. Well, a few things came up as I was trying to pull a root that wouldn’t budge. “Who are you going to blame for your story?”

What the hell? I thought. Where did that come from? It’s amazing how we project onto others what is deep rooted inside of us. It’s in us but we choose to castigate and accuse another for the participation of our drama and stories. Who will it be? Is the rapist from years ago, or your parents, or your abusive relationship, or your boss, or the stranger who treated you unkindly, or your children? Who will you choose to slander and prosecute without acknowledging your involvement and choices? How many times will continue retelling the same story to feed your ego? You are worth freedom and your thoughts are the keepers to a lifetime of imprisonment.

It’s easy to blame others. It’s better if we can point the finger and judge someone else for our mistakes. It’s a deep rooted vine that keeps traveling everywhere because we allow it to go wild. It’s just like Kudzu: very invasive and extremely difficult to kill once it is ingrained in your thoughts. You have the choice to consciously be aware of blaming another. Own your sh*t! It’s that simple. Think about what is stopping you from moving forward because you have allowed another to victimize you in your thought process. Everyone comes into your life as a character in a personal play. How you react and learn is yours alone! YOU are only responsible for you. Clean up the thoughts and the release the burdens from your past. You are who you are today because of everything that has happened to you. You got this!  You can create anything you want!

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Tapestry

tapestry

We exist

woven together

in consciousness

through fibers of time

filling each crevice

with memories of a billion lives.

 

I listen to each pull,

each passing of thread,

connecting us all

with intricate designing

carefully maneuvering the dreams,

lessons, and purpose of humanity.

This is perception,

the reality of you and me

intertwined to make authenticity…

open up belief…

instill faith… and … whatever else is of importance.

What is it? What do you see?

Which stitch makes you part of this tapestry?

 

Like a Monet painting we must stand

further from illusion

admiring the impressions

because when we are too close

we cannot see anything but distortion

and truth somehow disappears.

 

We are infinitely tended

to the constant care

of creation

that has put us together

with the only priceless material available to all:

The oneness of Love.

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Shift in Perception

memoirs

I have struggled with finishing a memoir. It has sucked me dry at times, made me sick, and brought up many things that needed closure. That’s what happens when we take into account our stories without detaching. We all need closure. Writing this particular book has been about seeing the way I have tenaciously made it through trials and tribulations. I have been able to hold myself accountable for mistakes and successes. Heck, it’s called Life. We all have these stories with completely different subjects. It’s wonderful! Today I was reminded why I write, why I must finish this book (for myself) and why it has been important to go through it. The book has been my teacher and my therapist with each blood curling paragraph of past reality.

My friend, Aubrey, and I visited this afternoon. He came by and we sat on the dock on the first day of spring. It’s magical today. It’s been a perfect day. We shared our writing projects. Aubrey is a phenomenal author, consequently last night we went to watch a play he wrote over 30 years ago. To witness the birthing of his work with actors reciting his words…well I was giddy, joyous, and awe-stricken. As we sat, sharing the process of a novel he needs to finish and my memoir, things came to light. This is the reason we need writing groups and support. Writers get inside their heads twisting and turning out in the deepest waters. Every so often we need someone to throw a life jacket to bring us back to shore. We get deep into our emotions and forget the world exists. Writing a book is very different from writing a post or blog because it requires a tenacious dedication to finish a lengthy process of a subject. I love writing my blogs. I am in and out in a short time…until the next subject. But, writing this memoir requires consistency and discipline for the long haul. It feels like the never-ending story. Just when I think it’s done… it’s not!

My friend has read this book. He says it’s powerful. Whether or not it is is not important. It’s been a catalyst to me and for me. I have found myself perceiving things in my life that I had not addressed. It’s been therapeutic. I wish I had been braver a few years back to write it then. But I know that it’s being created exactly at the perfect timing because that’s how things work out. Aubrey asked, “What have you learned through this process? What is stopping you? It’s okay to let things go and then return. That’s the process of a writer….” Then out of nowhere he said a statement that has lit a fire again in my desire to finish, “The gift of being erased is that you get to draw yourself as you see yourself.” My memoir is about my memory being erased and returning to a life I didn’t recall. How I lived through the moments of not recognizing any of my children, my mate, and everything else that was not the life I had fourteen years before that moment. It’s about acknowledging the way others discarded my feelings and how I lived. It’s the truth of depth in feelings and how I have learned to love me through all the parts that have been erased and then remembered. His statement speaks volumes to anyone who has forgotten to place the self before any thing or anyone.

How do we perceive ourselves? Does perception change throughout the years? How can we learn through events and then detach without judgment? Do the stories we tell and retell change the truth or just add to the perception of who we are? Oh, the amount of questions that have come up! It’s funny because recently I asked my guidance why I should finish with this story. Then Spirit aligns someone else to enter my space and remind me why I need to write it for me. That’s how the Divine works when we need to heal. Others are used as cheerleaders and teachers so that we can move through the moments. A writer understands the madness and process. Ernest Hemingway wrote, “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” And with this I plan on writing many true sentences that will allow me to release and learn from the experiences. Perception has shifted yet again. It’s required the constant acknowledgment of consciousness and acceptance.  How AWEsome is that!!!

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You have choices

just do it

I was heading back up the mountain from Asheville this afternoon when I noticed all the buds on the trees. Ah, spring is re-birthing! I am so happy. I thought about the new moon and the eclipse tonight and all the things that I have read about the “power and intensity” of manifestation and creating, etc. etc. etc. It’s overwhelming all the articles written in regards to this specific new moon. I believe in the cosmic changes to an extent. But, I believe mostly in my feelings and how my “knowing” has been clouded lately. I see change happening quickly. I see my life transforming towards a way I never thought it would just a year ago. We all live by our choices. The way we become truthful to our desires is the way we expand and evolve. Sometimes we get stagnant and stuck because we are afraid of what others think. At other times we must retrieve and feel the changes, ask for guidance and then proceed with what is best for us. It’s when we don’t follow anything and we just keep wishing without action that we do ourselves a huge injustice.

I remember a joke about the Puerto Rican man who kept asking God to win the lotto. “Ay Dios mio (Oh my God) please help me win the lotto so I can help my son, so and so. Please, God.” Every day he would pray and beg for money to arrive through the lottery. Finally the man dies and goes to Heaven. He is in front of God and God says to him, “My son, is good to see you.” The man, very upset tells him, “Dios Mio, (My Lord) I have a bone to pick with you. I begged and prayed for the lotto every day for twenty years and nothing. I faithfully lived a life believing you would grant me this prayer….” He kept ranting and God smiled down at him and said, “Did it ever occur to you to buy a lottery ticket?”

Choices change our lives profoundly. Every decision we make is a ripple that leads to a path in life. We make choices to mend broken hearts, move, restart and reinvent ourselves, relationships, change of careers, and many other assignments that provide for our journey. I have trusted God/Divine Source to guide me. I have stopped when I have seen signs ahead. It’s not always been this way. I know now when the little voice whispers to listen. Whenever I ignore it I get sick: a bleeding ulcer or something worse. I am reminded that I have all the answers within me but I must trust. I must be guided by faith but also do my part to make things happen (otherwise I am being like the little Puerto Rican man who never bought the lottery ticket). By just sitting down and saying, “God, I need this and that could you please provide the next step” but I don’t do something to take me to the next step…that’s in injustice to my spiritual body. It’s unfair to my higher self. And, it’s a tremendous unrealistic expectation that will never be met.

We all know truth. It feels right. It looks sweet. It smells like freedom. We also know when we are delusional and thinking that by doing the same thing over and over we will get a different result. That’s insanity to the oomph degree. I asked myself these questions in my morning pages: “What choices have you made that have altered your life for the better? What choices can you make to change for the better at this moment? If you can do anything without anyone or anything stopping you, what would it be? What would your life look like if you proceeded with these choices? Can you allow for these changes and remain living the way you have been?” There were several other questions. It’s very difficult to be honest without feeling like others will be disappointed but that’s the thing about choice: they are yours alone. No one should choose or decide how you will live. If you feel stuck then it is time to set yourself free. If you feel invaluable then you better find something to help you get back to feeling worth it. We complicate life because of over thinking choices. Just do it…like Nike says!

Each one of us have different dreams. We have millions of stories that may run parallel to one another but no one can choose for you to be happy. You must find that within yourself. Just like spring, there is a rebirth waiting for us. It’s time to create a new story or just write a new chapter to the old one. Make out your lists, your wishes and allow the new moon, the cosmos and whatever else you call upon to help you manifest those things that will bring you joy again. You got this!

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Love and Forgive

forgiveness

I have a daughter who is 27 years old.  She arrived into my life at almost 12 years of age from Romania.  She was set in her ways, a blank canvas to me since there was a huge language barrier between us.  She arrived into a home and family that lived by structure.  She had no choice but to adhere to the public school system and all the rules in school and at home.  But what happens to someone who is entering puberty and has a life changing event?  What happens to the past and where do you place it?  How does one “fit” into this new atmosphere, geography and ethnicity?  How many secrets condemn you and break your trust in others?  When she was 18 she was going to harm me and her siblings and I had to institutionalize her.  Those weeks (and what followed) nine years ago were one of the most difficult ones of my stories.  She and I have never been the same.  Even though she was in the hospital for 3 weeks it wasn’t enough.  She stopped taking the medicine and never received further help for her disorders.

We rarely communicate but not a day goes by that I don’t pray for her, send her love and ask God to give her guidance for her and her children.  A troubled fragmented mind can’t see things for what they were.  She has felt betrayed and unloved.  She has felt her siblings pushed her away.  I can’t speak for them but I know that when you have played with the Devil it’s hard to get back to Divine normalcy and accept someone who is still living in that playground.  They speak of her as if it was a horror film as they share stories of events, multiple personalities, and Devil worshipping.  I explain and ask them to let it go.  They all have their own thought processing.  They all have their reasons for holding on to the dangerous moments of the past.  In time I hope they make peace with it all.

How does one move on through life’s events when the faith in humanity gets tested?  I believe through love, forgiveness and letting go.  I have reached out to her on several occasions and have been returned with a reminder to not enter that space of having her near me. “She is dangerous!” I hear this constantly in my spirit.  “Wherever she is at continue to send her light and love.”  And, I hear it loud and clear.  But as a mother, thoughts come and go because I want to help her as any mother would. This is our job to protect the ones we love but we cannot take on the world with someone who is not willing to receive the help. She refuses to see a professional or get assistance of any kind.  She has no idea she’s mentally ill.  She can’t see it and won’t receive any help unless it is money.   She lives in an inconceivable amount of darkness that my light cannot reach.   And unfortunately she attracts those like her as well.

I rarely share the stories of my children.  They are my chapters filled with pages of love, lessons, and experiences.  They have gone through childhood, puberty, adolescence, and adulthood.  My children are precious, every single one of them.  And, for whatever reason my soul attracts the fractured, hurt and destitute.  Now years later I understand that of all my children she was the one who taught me about faith.  There were nights that the heavy energy in my house was so dense that all I could do was sit on the floor in the dark and pray.  I worried about my other children, I worried about myself, and I worried about things most people don’t ever have to think about.  We were exposed to spiritual warfare on a daily basis.  Where there is light there is also darkness trying to extinguish it.  In those days I would walk around with a Bible and she would mumble laughing that “it wasn’t going to save me.”

But, just like that things come to head and we are all asked to love and forgive.  We are asked to feel compassion for the ones who have not seen light, and those who entertain the darkest forces possible.  I witnessed dark and light every day and it helped me open up to the many realms around us.  My heart learned to love even deeper because of her.  My soul learned to forgive even faster because of her as well.  She was the epitome of opposites in a house full with gifts of love.  She rejected love, grace, God and compassion.

Remember that when you love it is for you.  You love because it feels like you are part of the world.  You forgive for you as well.  You feel the weight of darkness being removed.  We choose our thoughts and our experiences.  How we re-think those moments in the past determines if we are paralyzed or free in the future.   We all have similar stories of unimaginable acts that would make for a Lifetime channel mini-series.  But those are not the things that stay with us.  What should stay with us are the lessons learned and the moments of joy.  My daughter is gorgeous and she is a child of the Divine. Whether or not she takes the light into her soul is not important because we all have duality.  I have enough love to send her to make up for the dark she sees in the world.

We are all connected.  How you think of me becomes a reflection of you and vice versa.  Think love, freedom, grace, hope, faith, and all the goodness there is in each one of us.  Because when we begin to focus on the negative or the darkness we are left with anger, resentment, fear and hatred.  It’s not worth housing those in the mind, body or spirit.  Say the words, “I love you and I forgive you” to yourself and let those words transport themselves into the world.  I feel you.  I love you.  We got this! You are not alone in your process even though you feel that your stories are too much to bear.  Let them go! Mucho love!

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