Love Meter

When I was in my twenties a man said to me, “The best way to assure a long lasting relationship is to find someone who loves you more than you love them.”  At the time, being an ignorant and naïve young woman, I took that to heart.  I decided that I was going to love each man more than they loved me that way I would assure a long lasting relationship.

The thing is… that thing that happens with time and lessons, I realized that there is no love meter.  There is no way to measure how much someone loves you.  I felt as if I was always short of loving that other person and therefore the relationship kept failing.  The harder I loved the less it worked.  Who knows how much anyone loves another.  We are made up of millions of cells, emotions, and perceptions.  Just because I express them openly doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t feel them.

Twenty years have passed since that advice was thrown into the air of a corny-romantic woman.  What I’ve found is that love is the easiest sentiment in the world.  It isn’t a pressure pot cooking under restraints.  Love is more like a crock pot slowly simmering and keeping warm without burning under fire.  I always dove into it like there was no tomorrow.  I was determined to give it my all.  Unfortunately the other person was rarely on board with my all-or-nothing attitude.  That kind of love was stressful and toxic.

We are so accustomed to possessing another.  We want to be loved by our children, our spouses, friends, and anyone who cares to understand just a little bit of our personalities.  The need to be loved seems to be one of the greatest traits around the world.  Mother Teresa once said, “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”  That’s if you love completely without expectations.  Our egos get in the way and what we give out we expect to receive even greater.  The amount of stress we place on one another is ridiculous!

So, I’ve declared not loving with a love meter.  I love because I feel it, not because it is expected.  I love unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and freely.  That’s my kind of love.  Love isn’t about losing one’s self in another.  It’s about adding, enhancing and learning from another to make the best version of yourself.  It is about lifting vibrations through kindness, generosity and graciousness.    It is about allowing the Divine to work through you and everyone who enters your life.

Until there is a love meter I will stick to having an open heart, an open mind, and a spirit that has no boundaries to giving the greatest gift in the world…the love we were meant to share.  Be your own love guru and allow the magic to appear through the most mysterious places in your life.  You will be in awed!

Courage under Fire

“Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage.  Just 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery and I promise you something great will come of it.” – Benjamin Mee – from the movie We Bought a Zoo

 

I have watched this movie so many times.  Each time I watch I find another message.  Initially when I watched it last year in the theater I sat thinking about the many “20 seconds of insane courage” that I’ve encountered in the past few years.  There have been so many lessons and growth: both spiritually and psychologically.   Each experience was more intense than the next while teaching me to have patience and compassion with me (and others).  I am trying desperately to remove my huge ego out of the way.  I am trying to teach myself to have courage without allowing the mind to fear judgment.

I read a quote somewhere (don’t know who wrote it) “If you choose to trust your mind, you’ll have to keep choosing for the rest of your life.  If you choose to trust your heart, it is the last choice you’ll ever make.”  This takes courage.  Having courage is about moving through the rough even when you might be defeated once again.  It is about having faith that the rough will lead to smoothness.  Courage is about walking a tightrope without looking down, discarding the possibilities without allowing hurt to dictate, and truly knowing that whatever happens is for the betterment of your spirit.  When you move through to the other side you already know that the Divine had a specific plan for you.  In faith there is no failure.

So once again, last night I sat through part of We Bought a Zoo.  Once again, crying at the same scenes (because I love a good heart wrenching story).  Once again, I finding another message encrypted in the characters.  I am always surprised at the things that touch our humanness.  The joys and sorrows, the highs and lows, the changes and modifications…all part of this gift we get to call life.  The quote from the movie keeps echoing inside.  These wise words encourage me to move outside of the box I often find myself living in.  Courage is the gateway to new adventures.

Just writing this blog has taken courage from my state of vulnerability.  Each time I post something I fear the ridicule from someone.  But then, I recite:   “Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.” Arthur Koestler.  And it is then that I openly write the words that are dictated from some source outside of me.  Just like having the courage to put myself out there, I have also found courage to fall in love, trust someone, let go of control, allow serendipity to guide me, and enjoy the moments.  Courage has taught me to love my children unconditionally without fear of the unknown.  It has carried me through rough patches into smooth sailings.   That little act of allowing has been a teacher.  Some call it “perseverance,” others call it “hippie traits,” while still some find it to be an undeniable acceptance of a reckless spirit.  I call it courage under fire.

Now go…go off and do something miraculously silly, frightening, or unbelievable for yourself.  It only takes 20 seconds and I promise your life will never be the same.

No Slow Death

Something arrived

robbing me of my words,

strapping silence for a little while.

I couldn’t replace the letters,

or adjectives and nouns

with melodic syllables.

The heart was paralyzed without

the beautiful sentences

that create eloquence.

I couldn’t gather them here,

nor there,

while eyes judged

what can’t be felt, or touched,

or sensed.

I wanted speech to travel

from the mind,

into my heart,

and exit onto the page

full of love,

joy,

and wonder.

Finally, ah!

There it is

the release of me

onto the page,

lines and paragraphs

draping like silk,

without the care of

anyone’s feelings

because when I write

I don’t die a slow death;

I live a sweet life.

Befallen

I woke this morning
to the sound of
your breathing,
murmurs echoing
through the curvature
of my neck
draping it with heat.
I reached my right hand
pawing your beard,
whiskers sanding the softness
of me to the slightest touch
while a smile escaped you
with a “good morning!”
I stared at the gentle soul
dressed in a man
realizing
I am passed the “falling” part
and have
moved into the befallen
lost in La-la Land
without a returned ticket.
I will wait for you to catch up
to these emotions
as I think of the nights,
the days and moments
embraced in simplicity
of ecstasy.
I am crazy about you
as you have manifested
everything I’ve ever dreamt
in a partner.

Thank you, darling!

Music Sheet

When our eyes meet,
a sigh exits my lips,
I watch the world
stand still while
music plays in my heart.
You become the melody,
rhythm and lyrics
to everything
I never knew existed.
This song plays through
every part of my soul.
I can’t seem to change
its tune…you are the voice
singing inside of me.

Genetic Needs

Our souls are driven by basic genetic needs: the sense of survival, the power of love, acquiring freedom through peace, acceptance for our existence, and enjoying ourselves in the process. When in doubt always choose happiness. Allow yourself to live in the core of joy. You are your thoughts. Return to the basic needs of your spirit.  It occurs to me that being hurt, living inside of a past bubble of regrets, causes a shut-off valve in your heart.  It depletes the rest of the body and emotions to flow easily.

One drop of kindness, forgiveness, and letting go creates an ocean.  The ripple effect is a tsunami of love.  Returning to our basic needs time and time again is powerful.  It is liberating.  The same way we create our own demons, we can choose to create mystical wonders.

Awareness of what we desire is stronger when we aren’t in alignment with how we are living.  Not fulfilling something allows the “what if’s” to obsess the very core of our spirit.  What stops us from reaching out to the stars of desires and wishes?  Fear!  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of past traumas repeating themselves.  Fear of having too much fun and not being responsible.  Fear of worthlessness.  Fear of not deserving the unlimited love from the universe.   Fear stumps our spiritual evolution.

This morning I woke to the sound of my cat purring next to my ear.  She kept nudging her head towards mine.  She wanted nothing but to be loved.  She expected nothing less than a cuddle and embrace.  She just wanted to enjoy the moment of my hands touching her fur and scratching her ears.  She’s not afraid of what the day will bring to her.  She picks a spot near the sunlight by a window and plops herself to comfort.  That’s her life.  She goes out in the yard, does her cat things, enters the house with the only thing available to her…safety and love.

Just like the cat, I remind myself to return to the basic genetic needs.  When anxiety knocks at the door of my spirit I remember that I have no control of anything.  I am just like Mystic, the cat, wanting to be loved, enjoying the process, and finding peace somewhere in this existence.   After all, love is all that we need to co-exist. Joy is the way to open it up in others.  Make a point to return to your truth time and time again.  That intuition poking at you is Spirit calling you home through divine wisdom.  Follow it every time!

Silhouettes

Worshipping temples,
Two bodies move
In and out of heaven
With incense from bodies
Filling the space
And endless galaxies.

Lines intercept in darkness
Rhythmically breathing
Into one another.

I am yours.
We are one.

You allow me to travel
To and from the universe
While entering the matrix
Of surrealism.

I will never exist as I have…

Again.

Doodles

I trace your skin
Drawing circles,
Spiraling signatures
Up and down
As you enter into
The subliminal cosmos
Of relaxation.

A finger swirling in hair,
A light pull with nails,
Bringing the sensations
To your core
And eventually a slight smile
Builds on your lips.

I doodle further
Searching for the gifts
An artist creates
Witnessing invisible lines
Connecting
You,
Me,
And the universe of possibilities.

Messy Misalignments

I dislike technology.  I depend on it for everything but hate it when the dependability becomes a handicap.  This morning my printer would not work and I had paperwork that needed to be prepared for a wedding party staying at our retreat center this weekend.  Very few things push me over the edge.  Anything technological that I cannot fix (because I am technologically retarded) immediately sends me over the line from normal to craziness.  I walked away from the computer after an hour of wrestling with obscenities. I took a shower (in my house everyone knows that a shower fixes just about anything).  Standing under the scolding hot water a phrase came to mind out of nowhere, “This is what happens when you don’t have a father?”  It’s hard to shut those voices off or mute them forever when you have no clue where they are coming from.  Sometimes the voices arrive when everything else gets pushed down and not addressed.

But, I did know where the statement came from.  For days I have been battling with guilt for being so happy.  It hasn’t been a conscious awareness.  It has sublimely entered my dreams, thoughts while driving, sleepless nights, and then the shower.  I am content with someone who is nothing like any other man I’ve ever had in my life.  A part of me has been jolted, the part of the bitchy ego.   This part of me needed a reality check this morning.  Divinity works in mysterious ways…hence the breakdown of the printer to push the anger and repression to the boiling point.

We enter into relationships that remind us of our childhood.  Until now every relationship I’ve had seem to mimic my childhood comfort (or discomfort) of an over-powering-controlling mother, an absent father, and the lack of self-esteem that comes with not being present with my truth.  Familiarity is not always comforting but it is our survival mode.  Each one of those relationships was about the other person.   In most cases I picked men much older than myself to dictate who, what, where, and how I was to act.  I felt like a puppet rather than a woman.  I was someone’s commodity rather than a partner. Fear and shame always lurked nearby.  I am grateful that the vicious pattern has been severed.

Today, after a few weeks of giddiness, joy, freedom, and playfulness, my subconscious created a state of panic and anxiety.  It’s about right…a few weeks is usually the time that I start to put on my running sneakers to sprint out of the newness of a relationship.  And just like the freaking printer not working, I had to stand there with my thoughts and carefully trace back the steps for the misalignment.  I can’t run from the happiness.  I won’t!

Returning to my computer after allowing the thoughts to come up and out, “Mr. Happiness” called.  He came over to fix the printer.  Just the gesture of driving an hour to come take care of a silly problem touched me deeply.  In my flustered, aggravated moment of truth, I realized I’ve never been more appreciative to be with anyone.  I threw the running sneakers in the garbage and allowed my words to come out.  As I began to verbalize to him that I was full of guilt the Boogie Man disappeared from under the bed.  All the monsters in the closet vanished.  And, the little girl in me allowed the woman to feel the joy in this gift of newness and tenderness.  It opened up the truth of me through the vulnerability of the past.

Everyone needs a little alignment every so often.  I am reminded that not all men leave, mistreat, or abuse the love given to them.  The pattern has been broken, the shoes have been trashed, and the guilt has been burned in the fire pit.  Life is messy and when we remove the ego’s bitchiness out the way we can find joy.  After all, I never feel ashamed for being happy with myself.  Now I just have an extra dosage from a wonderful man to add to the enchantment.

Deduction of Thoughts

Tell me,
what was it that you heard:
my heart beat thumping
slowly to the sounds
of the room,
mimicking the a/c;
my breath catching up
with a mutual silence
of exhaustion
from a lover’s marathon;
my hands gently stroking
the hairs on your back
bringing forward some
childlike memory
you might had never

known existed?
What did you hear
in the solitude next to you?
Did you hear the depth

of me moving deeper

in gratitude?
Did you find me clicking
a memory button filing
the moment forever?
Tell me what you heard
so I can share what I felt
as our bodies became

suspended but pressed

into the cold mattress.
I heard the rain harder

in my chest; the earth penetrating

against my spirit,

weighing and settling

to this newness.

I’m becoming spring
inside these spaces
intertwining thoughts with

the in and out of you.
Did you hear me digging
through the rumble of
thoughts, and a mountain
of could’ve been’s
while you transported
yourself to Neverland?

I am water spread on a bed

while you are the container

that houses me in places

I never knew existed.