10 Mar 2014
Tags: anxiety, asking, courage, doubts, emotions, experiences, exposure, fears, frailty, help, humanness, letting go, love, past events, psychology, rawness, relationships, romance, sacredness, shame, sharing, spirituality, stories, true love, uncertainty, vulnerability
I asked for help
divulging my fears,
sharing my truth,
openly showing up
to meet you
in the rawness of all
I have ever done,
and can’t let go.
I embraced bravery
sit with the exposure,
There is freedom
while standing naked
in the light
in your presence
no swords or shields
to protect me
from the old beliefs
doubts and uncertainty.
04 Mar 2014
Tags: agony, anger, brokenness, compassion, Ego, experiences, forgiveness, hatred. hurt, humanness, intimacy, kindness, learning, letting go, love, relationships, sharing, stories
Months ago I was in the presence of someone who was not very kind. The harder I tried to show kindness, compassion and love, the more I was rejected with criticism, sarcasm, and bigotry. I consider myself a level-headed woman. I realized it wasn’t about me. It was a projection. But, in that projection I stepped back several times and asked myself, “Do I also have these traits inside? Am I often quick to judge and not understand? In that moment of not being understood, am I fake in my truth?” It is amazing the things we gather when we stop and question.
One of the most difficult and generous lessons I am learning is that there is no substitute for being present and paying attention. Kindness comes natural to me. Love pours out with such easiness at times that those around me must remind me to hold back and not be so trustworthy. I don’t care. I rather have loved and hurt than not show someone a little piece of light in hope. Love is hope. Love is acceptance. I am sure every one of you reading can add a million adjectives to what love carries in and out of the spirit.
This particular person strengthened me, once I recaptured the rejection, by reminding me of hurt. Those who are broken from the past will lash out to the light in others. Darkness always tries to resist light at first. To make the moment with this woman even more intolerable I kept trying to touch her. At the end of the few days of being in my presence she did hug me with such regret, not from her humanness-ego-filled body, but from her spirit yearning to be held. In that moment I saw her…her real self made of love.
Kindness is such a powerful tool. It is free. Everyone has stories that mold them. The secret is to realize that these stories need release. Not every single human being will hurt you. We were not created to live in oppression, negativity, and carrying bags of turmoil. Let’s drop the dirty laundry, folks! It is time to take the junk to the dumpster. We cannot continue to hurt others because of feeling ashamed, unworthy while punishing our spirits for the past. The older I get, the less I carry around. I am no saint. I have done my share of sinful crap. These are the milestones that have sustained my weight to get here. What you do today is a new stone making way in the future. Don’t hold resentments and anger for things you cannot change. Challenge yourself to create a new beginning full of love, forgiveness, hope, grace and kindness. How you treat someone speaks volumes about you and them! I could’ve treated this woman with the same anger and hatred. I chose to hold love in her presence. And, guess what? After a weekend that woman was different. She didn’t know what hit her. We all have wounded parts. Some days we are the saints, and some days we are the sinners. Don’t take things personally. Learn from them and move on. Love is the Divine wrapped in wings of forgiveness and grace!
“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” ~ Mark Twain
02 Mar 2014
Tags: allowing, beauty, compassion, experiences, forgiveness, God, holding love, humanness, intimacy, lessons, letting go, love, love stories, magic moments, mental-health, outdoors, patience, psychology, relationship, relationships, romance, surrendering, true love, wedding
The other day a friend and I are in the middle of a conversation as she says, “I can’t wait for the wedding.” I paused and then said surprised, “Oh my God, congratulations! I didn’t even know you were in a serious relationship.” She laughed, correcting me, “Not my wedding, Airy Fairy, your wedding in April.” In the midst of my oblivious moment I laughed out loud answering, “Oh, yeah! I AM… getting married… soon. I can’t wait!”
The future wedding day is exciting but it isn’t taking priority in my every waking moment. I forget Matt and I are exchanging vows because we exchange our love every day: as he says ‘good morning, babe’ or reaches for my hand and kisses the top of it for no reason, or winks while tapping my butt with a mischievous smile…. There are so many different ways we exchange our tenderness and love each day. The truth is that vows are bartered, traded and interchanged on a daily basis. I had not known what it was to have a man so present in everyday life. As different as we are, the similarity of our underlining traits live silently dictating the authenticity of this relationship. We are two simple people without drama. It must be rather boring to others the way we fit in this harmonious state.
Truth is that I’ve reunited with my soul mate. I don’t say that lightly. I have had many reunions with many souls but when I met Matt it took me a long while before even admitting that he wasn’t just a “hiking buddy.” I felt way too comfortable and in that easiness I couldn’t understand how there would be a long term relationship. In my past relationships everything required a lot of work, drama, and putting that person on some wickedly tall pedestal. The relationships were full time jobs and the expectations that came with them now seem senselessly ridiculous. Stress is never a good factor or virtue in any relationship or friendship. It is a giant red flag that has engraved on it, “RUN QUICKLY!”
I believe the secret to this love is the mutual respect of space, forgiveness, patience, and grace. Nothing or no one is perfect. I would be delusional to even say that there is always laughter and passion every single day. I am not always riding on a unicorn leaving a rainbow trail of flowers behind me. He’s not always willing to be Vince Vaughn or Adam Sandler when I need him on cue either. We work at it with communication. I’ve fallen in love with a no-nonsense straight shooter who challenges me. He calls me out of my crap. He allows me to be loving without trying to change a single thing about me. This is priceless.
Matt has become my best companion through heart break, loss, financial strains, and human doubts. He wakes me up when I am having a nightmare and always holds me with patience (no matter how this is affecting his own sleep pattern). He makes sure he tucks me in when I go to bed much earlier than him. I love that we can co-exist without having to “fix” the other. There is no need. Only a tender acceptance that we are different, have peculiar tastes in things, yet blend those things in some melting pot of assurance and safety.
What’s the secret to relationships? I don’t really know. I do know that this balance works for me because he’s been the first mate that I’ve been upfront, honest, and completely me. He and I haven’t allowed the past luggage and dirty baggage to dictate this union. He has allowed me to grow, break, while putting a few support columns along the way. We fit because this isn’t our first rodeo and we know exactly what we won’t tolerate from the other, and also what we need from ourselves in the process. This dance of give and take is what we do best.
In 1995 I had a dream while I was starting my long-term relationship with a man for 18 years. I dreamt that I was the bride at an outdoor wedding with a backdrop of mountains. I was barefooted and so comfortable with all my loved ones surrounding us around a gazebo. There was this really tall man standing as my groom but he wasn’t my current mate because he was there as one of the guests. This groom was younger, taller, and I could see only his back. I remember waking up and sharing this dream. It felt so real. As our wedding date arrives I see “that man” much clearer. He is the one I had been waiting for in this lifetime. I am forever grateful that I was given head’s up from the universe. I am excited, giddy and can’t wait to finally introduce him as “my husband.”
When you find the love of your life make sure you hang on to it. Don’t over analyze it with logical scrutiny. Let the heart dictate how it feels. Get out of your head and stop the chit chat of doubt. It is a rare experience, full of lessons, trials, errors, but mostly the understanding that love carries every little thing…every single day. I. Love. This. Man. As. Much. As. He. Loves. Me! I have never been able to say that before now. I don’t take it for granted for one single minute and when you find yours neither should you!
27 Feb 2014
Tags: awareness, cat, death, deep awareness, experiences, journey, lessons, living, love, meditation, mental-health, moments, morning time, outdoor, spiritual writing, stories, thoughts, woods
Certain events cause the nuts and bolts in our existence to tighten, while others loosen our perception. The things we know to be true no longer exist. We begin to question the purpose of life, the reason for our existence, and how everything is related. There are no accidents even the most mundane act has a purpose. For the past week I’ve agonized greatly. I’ve been in a place of pure limbo. The suicide death of a friend rattled and broke me. I understand what she went through. I keep hearing her words echoing in my own belief, tasting my ego and doubting the core of my own existence. I don’t want to continue to explain that I don’t fit because I do fit in the way humans fit into life. When I say “I don’t fit” or “I feel misplaced” I am speaking in terms of my mortality. I have somehow dishonored my purpose, diminishing the importance of me here. And, with such thoughts I take to find answers outdoors.
It’s cold but I ventured into the woods this morning. My cat, Mystic, followed my every move while keeping distance. She moves with steadiness but knows exactly when to stop as to give me the room I need to be alone with my thoughts. Funny little creature! I found a seat by the creek, gathering my winter coat tighter over my head, Mystic jumped on the seat. We sat there watching the morning light twinkle and dance on the water flowing downstream. I am grateful for witnessing such beauty. I forget how beautiful our woods are and how much magic lives there. It is the closest thing to heaven on earth that I have found. In these moments of complete awareness of my present life I am grateful. What happens is when I re-enter life with others that I keep struggling to understand. Why do so many folks martyr and suffer over everything? Where does it all lead into that I cannot see? What’s the point of fighting the current without making changes, while complaining every day about the same thing? It’s insanity.
I do not know how long (in the human need to time everything) it will take for me to integrate into my life again. I don’t know if I will ever “fit” into the life I had. There is nothing I want to do to change this beautiful gift. I know I am beyond fortunate to live where I live and with the people who love me. I also know that only five weeks ago, in dying and returning to this realm, I lost an old part of me that battles with ego in this new life. My struggle is in knowing how others can’t be present. In not being present, especially around me, I am rattled to the core of my being. I can’t relate to the material world, the need to fix things with technology, or the escaping from life with addiction. This is life. I understand it. What I don’t understand is how I will get to the place of adapting into the world. I can’t run off and live in a temple far from the arms of humanity. Let’s be real! I have been gifted the preciousness of being present, a life not fully lived or absorbed with mysteries unfolding every day. It is my duty to follow through with whatever the Divine has in store for me. In the process how I get there is a difficult question. Sometimes the answers are much more meaningful than one question.
I sat back in the cold forest, embraced by the gift of my mortality. I know this is precious. Each breath brings me to the core of God and all that is mystical. As I walk into the unknown, knowing that it isn’t a place of fear, I plan on keeping it real. I can no longer afford to make excuses for others. When I feel uncomfortable I will excuse myself from being in the place of discomfort. When I am with others I give a 100% of my presence with the love that I can hold in my heart. The rest is up for grab. I find that compassion has become my most intimate ally through it all. I want to take you and hold you, letting you know that this is okay. This too shall pass. The perfect post popped up on my screen this morning, “When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up.” There is nothing else to do. The gift of your humanness is reason enough to keep moving along the timeline. Be present. Be mindful. Be love without judgment. Always…always…be love!
19 Feb 2014
Tags: death, desperation, God, grief, legacy, letting go, love, mourning, relationships, religion, spirit, spirituality, suicide
This morning I am at a loss. A dear friend committed suicide Sunday night. A beautiful soul with so much light and love moved on as her spirit was yearning to go home. We spoke that same morning and I asked her to come visit this weekend for energy work, girl’s time and to be in nature. She was excited and told me she would let me know during the week. I had witnessed through her writing the past few months a spiraling downward of hurt, faithless moments of pulling away, and agony for the unknown in this life. With pure desperation she tried to hang on. It was too much. I am saddened by this news. She will be missed immensely.
She and I never met in person. She came here last May while I was at a friend’s wedding in San Francisco. Immediately she reached out on Facebook. We would write to each other personal messages of inspiration, discussing spirituality and lessons. We would exchange sites on something that moved us to grow and expand our minds. In Christmas she sent me a beautiful book by Mark Nepo called The Book of Awakening which I will cherish every day as I read the meditations. She was an extraordinary woman who got lost in the dark corners of her mind. But, even with such façade of being upbeat the underlining terror remained. This is why I reached out to her to visit soon. I feared the worst.
I, too, have been at that point of hopeless desperation watching the ripple effect of decisions all turning to darkness. I know everything affects everything. My checking out would mean I would leave a terror of psychological disturbances for my children, family and friends. It has been many years since I felt this on my bathroom floor at 3AM. I understand the need to find peace and consolation. There are no easy answers. Every person is their own universe trying to explore new terrains, getting lost, and finding a place to land firmly for a while.
Dying is not courageous. Living is courageous. The minute we take our first breath it is a journey towards death. It takes bravery, faith, and desire to remain here. Often times our spirits have had enough. This woman knew this as she had a near death experience several years ago in a car accident. She understood the peace that happens once your soul lets go. She wasn’t afraid of moving on. She was exhausted in hanging on. One of her last messages mentioned how she just didn’t fit here anymore. I sent her a message of hope. She thanked me and told me to pray for her. My spirit somehow knew she was letting go, my humanness couldn’t really grasp it. Her honesty reminded me of some dead-end moments in my distant past. On Sunday she seemed better, hopeful, faithful in her words of encouragement. I will never know what happened during that evening.
Her death has awakened many from the coma of oblivion. We move through life with our own dramas, twisted plots and characters. I hope that if anyone is at this place of giving up to please reach out to someone. My heart expanded last night to her two children. Her son left a beautiful and powerful message on her Facebook wall. It touched me with such depth because she left in him the same spirituality she carried within her. In honoring his mother he will find strength to mold a life of substance and purpose. I believe it strongly. She was an amazing mother.
There are moments we look at our reflection and wonder if this is all there is. Where is youth? What will happen tomorrow? What’s the purpose of this terrifying struggle? What is the meaning and purpose of my life? We have so many questions. Sometimes the questions are much more relevant than having the answers. In questioning motifs, decisions, choices, past experiences, and the complexities of our stories we reach a level of growth and understanding. There are moments we find clarity and moments where there is no light. Regardless of religious beliefs or spiritual practice we are still humans. Doubts arise. The terror of living in continuous pain is too much to swallow. In our own convictions we turn to God and believe that He will have mercy on us in whatever way we choose to exist…here on earth or in the afterlife.
We will never know the answers to her desperation. My only wish is that she finds the safety and warmth of Divine light as she returns to the place of Source. We cannot judge another for the decisions they make. She will be missed by many. Her soul was absolutely lovely. As I return to my prayers this morning I hold her dearly in contemplation. Rest in peace, my dear friend! The legacy of your love and life will forever be remembered. May you guide us to the light when our time arrives! We will be reunited one day….!
“To live in the hearts of others is never to die.”
18 Feb 2014
Tags: flakes, freedom, growth, humanity, humanness, individuality, letting go, love, self-acceptance, self-love, snowflake, snowflakes, society, spirituality, stories, uniqueness
I saw this small snowflake on Bobbie’s hair the other day. It was perfect. I thought to myself, “This flake is just like her, like me, like everyone. No two are alike. They fall without permission and stay present everywhere. Together among others we can’t see their individuality. But, when we search closely we see perfection.”
I see your spirit and your uniqueness as beautiful. Each one of us is here together melting into one. Don’t lose sight of your gifts and your beauty just to blend with the norm. Be a lovely snowflake caught in the wind, a window or hair…standing out to make a difference! In those moments that chaos embraces you with uncertainty, fear, anxiety and questions notice that you are the most important person in your life. You make a difference in this world.
The most incredible sense of freedom is being who you are and loving yourself without expectations from others. Just like the snowflakes we will land where we are supposed to. Life is magical in that way. Each of us at one time or another has been overwhelmed by the opinions of others. Don’t let them dim your light. It will make you lonely, isolated and disregarded. What you are is just as intricate and beautiful as the designs on a flake. As A.A. Milne said, “The things that make me different are the things that make me.”
17 Feb 2014
Tags: caress, cuddles, dreams, experiences, gestures, hugs, intimacy, kisses, love poems, lovers, morning, relationships, romance, true love
I watch the gestures
mesmerized by the
childlike peace painted
On your manly face.
I want to enter you
sharing those experiences,
mold into those expressions.
I lightly caress
your face as you wrinkle
your nose and mouth –
that mouth that kisses
throughout my essence.
gently teasing your morning
dreams and fantasies.
This is our ritual
as you wake,
closed eyes avoiding sunrise,
“Good morning babe!”
and I dive into the vastness
of your arms for a little while
slipping into my own fantasies.
16 Feb 2014
Tags: beauty, belief, deep emotions, divinity, dogma, experiences, faith, forgiveness, freedom, God, holding love, hope, humanness, journey, life, love, meditation, mental-health, obstacles, omnipotence, peace, prayer, reflection, religion, self-love, selfishness, spiritual writing, spirituality, stories, struggles, surrendering, true love, truth
A dear friend this morning sent me a message with lost hope. She wrote, “Well right now I’m questioning even God and if He is even listening or bothering with us down here.” We went back and forth for a bit as I struggled in making her understand that God is everywhere. She knows this, but like her, we need reminders. People have karmic lessons they must pay. They have individual paths and experiences they choose to follow. God doesn’t step in with a magic wand to erase those choices. Our individuality is an element of free will and it’s attached to everything we choose in our paths. I can’t fix my children anymore than I can fix the state of the world. I can pray and empathize with others. I cannot and will not take their responsibilities onto me. Those days are over. I can love others but foremost need to love me.
As spiritual beings living a human life we tend to define self-love as selfishness. We are conditioned to feel guilty and ashamed when we want alone time. It’s almost as if the dogma of God has been manipulated to instill fear in our aloneness. This isn’t so. God is everywhere. In our struggles and obstacles the light of divinity leads the way. In happiness and joy Spirit comforts us with amazing vibrations. Whenever we over extend ourselves to others we are depleted of energy source. We want to help and mend the broken hearted. We want to hold hands with those in need, but we forget to take care of ourselves first. Then we begin to question, “Where’s God in all of this?” He is in you, in me, in the earth. He is the embodiment of every particle and energy source around us. He’s not sitting on a cloud watching us move like an ant colony. We are the thoughts of His guidance and in the decisions we make. He is in the stories of the past, the present and the future. God resides in the most intimate moments of a single word, thought and action. Every journey leads to light, while having to travel the darkest corners of life.
It’s difficult enough to mend and travel our own lifeline. Put others in the melting pot and it seems suffocating at times. Faith is that thing that can’t be seen but it carries us. That’s where God resides. The unknown is just that…not known. I remember reading somewhere that “life just seems so full of connections. Most of the time we don’t even pay attention to the depth of life. We only see flat surfaces.” I believe God lies in the depth, in those little details disregarded in the path. I am seeing Divinity existing in so many places now. Being present is being in pure light of omnipotence. God is in me as He is in you.
We have no right to ask when suffering, hardship or struggles come our way, why is this happening to me? why me? what have I done to deserve this? unless we also ask the same question when love, joy, happiness, and goodness come our way. God doesn’t just appear in moments of plead and weakness. He is there in gratitude and grace. For every lesson learned there is a wonderful journey ahead. You can’t have the dark without the light. There is no strength in the unbelief. Courage arrives in moments of releasing it all to something greater: call it God, Divinity, Spirit…however you care to address the universal movement of the soul.
Moments of impact make the sum of our experiences. Each day that I let go, surrender to the NOW, is a moment of great impact. Everything becomes a surprise. Every person who enters my space is a gift. Up here, on this mountain Spirit answers in my private sessions, in my alone time. I witness it on my deck. The Great Mystery sits, holds me and allows me to just be still while the cold wind blows, the dew sits on the rocks, the ice floats on the pond, and the trees dance to the sunrise blowing snowflakes everywhere. When life gives you a thousand reasons to mourn, show Spirit that you have a million reasons to smile. We are all born for greatness. Allow yourself the gift of belief, faith and certainty that there is something greater carrying you through it all. It makes for a mystical life of truth and peace knowing that you are made of infinite spirit. You are never alone.
“God is in all things, but so far as God is Divine and so far as he is rational, God is nowhere so properly as in the soul—in the innermost of the soul.” – Meister Eckhart