Secrets Kept

“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.”  - Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost.  We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues.  Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche.  Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity.  Secrets often times have a huge price to them.  And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release.  There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace.  Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.  Our self-judgment is our worst critic!

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory.  In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged.  I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own.  The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them.  I never went through their things.  I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth.  Then there was no going back.  I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journal writing and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets.  If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside.  Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep.  Is it a form of delusion?  Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts?  Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain?  I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets.  I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me.  The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships.  Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever.  They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took almost another eighteen years to be released.  It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues.  Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution.   I was able to free myself from the monsters.   Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us.  Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release.  The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside.  Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else.  Real forgiveness, however, starts inside.  The past has allowed each one of us to get here.  We learn from our mistakes.  We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween.  We are created in the light of Spirit.  In that light all secrets are diminished.  Let go and realize that you are not your secrets.  You are evolution of such experiences.  Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.  Be gentle with yourself and allow love and light to lead the path.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath