Trust is a privilege that once broken is the binding element that affects the union of any relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a mate, a partner, with a parent, a child, or friend. Trust is that bond that can either hold or destroy the foundation of any human connection. Once it is tested, twisted, or broken it can take a long time to repair. Even with help, trust can become irrevocable. The effects of entrustment can last a lifetime.
Intimacy is balanced on trust. When we speak of intimacy we immediately go to loving and sexual relationships. But intimacy is in all forms of relationships. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, but when they keep screwing up (and I allow it) then I am the fool. Love means being able to forgive and let go of all past mistakes. I believe that forgiving should clean the slate of trust issues. It is hard. What happens when it is a child who keeps breaking the trust?
A parent-child relationship holds the most unconditional form of love. It requires a constant array of guidance, patience and forgiveness. Children will push the envelope to gain their independence and learn life lessons. It is extremely difficult to let them fall and hurt when you see that they are going down the wrong route. When do you step back? How do you allow the mistake to happen when you can help? It is the hardest form of love and growth. Even with faith, a broken trust bond can test any relationship. When do we just step back?
I get very protective of my children. I want to step in and help, especially when they have mental disabilities. I am also very aware in the metaphysical sense that lessons need to be learned. We all come into this world to experience via our lessons. They can’t all be easy. Some are absolutely heartbreaking. As a parent, we are not God. We can only pray, guide and let go. When the child has no remorse of the wrongdoings then there is a reason for concerns. When trust is constantly being broken there is a painful lesson. How does a parent let go even while foreseeing the inevitable? I am constantly trying to step aside, accept that I am not in control, and try to believe the Divine will intervene. Unfortunately, intuition steps in and I wish I didn’t have those “gut feelings” because they are right more times than they are wrong. Foreseeing things seems like a curse when there is nothing you can do about the tragic events. Trusting in myself and my gut feelings is not comforting!
It is an aching space inside when your child disrespects and breaks all barriers of trust. I have a hard time stepping back and allowing my child to drive off a cliff. No matter how much I try the child is not restoring the lost sense of trust. Trust is about allowing for safekeeping, accepting, and committing to the expectancy of our beliefs. What is trust for one person is not the same for the other. So how does trust re-enter the relationship if we don’t give it away in the first place? If we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop how do we hope to regain it in the first place?
“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” – Thomas Merton
So tonight I have to step aside from my belief system. I have to go inside myself and ask if I am trying to make his life fit perfectly into the ideas I have on what should be right? I struggle with the above quote by Thomas Merton because I love my son unconditionally. Do I want to make him fit into my image? I’m I able to let him go and truly hurt himself in the process of self discovery? I have to trust in God and allow my child (with disabilities) to find his path. It is heartbreaking when neither of us trusts one another. He feels imprisoned by my protectiveness and I feel the disrespect by his lack of remorse and danger. Where do we come to terms with allowing each other to play the role of parent and child? When and how do we just accept each other and take it as lessons? I don’t know. Each one of my children has taught me invaluable lessons. Each one of them has pushed through their ego-driven adolescence into adulthood. And, I guess my role here is to set my mother-ego-driven needs to the side and trust in the Divine to carry him down the path created for this life. Meantime, I clench my hands and hold my heart tightly against my chest. It is going to be a hell of a bumpy ride! I am trying desperately to envision the future reflection of a healthy mother-and-son relationship even when it doesn’t seem recognizable by my current spirit.