The Brokenness is Good

crayons

The other day at a store I saw a sign that read, “Even broken crayons still color.” I had to stop for a second…or two…maybe a few minutes pondering on that statement. I stood there in a busy isle of a department store taking up space with my eyes closed as I repeated each word out loud.  It was one of those powerful AHA moments that anyone can witness looking at you.  I was having an epiphany and two other ladies in the same isle stood staring at the same sign.  And, even though none of us spoke, we each took with us something from those words.

How many times haven’t we shattered into million pieces? How many times haven’t we believed, in that state of desperation, that we have no shine; that we aren’t worth it; that life is over in that brokenness? Those small fragments in us mend and expand; they break and create new extremities to bridge the old with the new. They make us stronger, wiser, and graceful. They force us to reinvent ourselves, forgive, and learn to play. I, for one, am grateful for those broken pieces…all the tiny ones that can be picked and put together to create a new life. They have allowed my colors to bleed into other brighter ones and combined to make new hues so I can go out into the world and paint for me.

I left the store without a single item.  I left with the quote imprinted in me.  As I was walking out the door there were coloring books on display with boxes of crayons.  I smiled.  I courageously walked with my head held high.  I’ve been just like those coloring books for so long…restricted to lines and rules of social expectations.  Now I am ready to paint the world in a different light no matter how small or large the breaks are in the future.

Paint your world today with those little pieces you think of discarding! Color, laugh, cry and rejoice for being the most perfect version of you.  You will be made whole again. You are bright, beautiful and…oh…so very creative! Mucho love in this beautiful holiday week.  Give yourself the gift of exploration and play. Don’t keep putting it off!!!

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Truly Listen to Another

For the major part of my adult life I have rarely heard when someone has told me who they are.  If you really listen to a stranger, a new person in your life, the beginning of a romantic relationship, you will find that they DO tell you who they are…for the most part (some folks are mentally ill and cannot decipher personality traits from their disorder).  Sometimes it isn’t verbal but through events and actions that leave you flabbergasted with questioning, “WTF?”  The fixer in me was always trying to take them by the hand and shake all those negative ideas of themselves.  I wanted to show them what I was seeing.  I wanted them to live to their highest potential of what I THOUGHT was correct.  This is complete and utter b.s. and arrogance.

A few years ago I dated a wonderful man, very briefly, for a few weeks.  On our first hike he kept stopping as we were trekking up this steep mountain terrain and laying down everything that was him.  He basically gave me a rundown of the things that were acceptable, who he was, what he would put up with, and so many other small fragments of his personality.  When we reached the summit I was truly exhausted but so relieved.  He showed me that hour the person he was and I truly listened.  I am so glad I did, because a few days later, in my need to bring out the best in another to my convenience, he stopped me again and reminded me how he laid it all on the line.  He was right.  He was one of the best teachers I’ve ever had in a relationship.  And, although our time together was brief, it was a powerful lesson in listening to another when they tell you who they are.  They know themselves better than anyone.

This relationship taught me about the art of setting boundaries and not getting lost in another person.   It allowed me to step back and watch the past pattern of behavior in wanting to bring another human being into my life to fit perfectly.  In my oblivious state of mind, which is a trait I cannot change, I saw the beauty and perfection of him.  But, relationships take time to evolve, and he fought me from the beginning.  He wasn’t going to change in his early fifties.  He was and is the best version of himself.  Together we would have been the ultimate disaster.  And…knowing this from early on saved us both a lot of grief.

I am aware that people have a diverse multitude of personalities.  They will show different sides to their convenience.  Some people cannot reach the emotional state early on, or ever. I understand that it takes time to learn the truth in another.  Hopefully they know their truth because some folks are just clueless!  This beautiful person showed me to look at myself and be honest with another from the very beginning.  I have taken it upon myself to do just that.  What you see is what you get.  There’s no hidden agenda.  I learned to be upfront in future relationships.  I learned to share my abilities, faults, flaws, and the things I will not tolerate.

Listening with my head rather than my heart, for a little while, allowed me to detach the desire to have a man in my life and see who he really was from the beginning.  I loved that about him.  And, throughout the years in our friendship we have always been to the point with one another.  It’s beautiful to be among a person who knows his truth.

Do yourself a favor and never ignore the words and actions from another when beginning any kind of relationship or friendship.  When someone tells you who they are listen with your mind and an open heart.  Divine guidance is there in those moments that speak truth.  And…always be honest with your feelings.  If it doesn’t feel right…drop it quickly.  You come first and foremost.  Have a blessed day.

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Peeling out of 2014

peeling out

Last night, close to midnight, the office doorbell rang. I had been sleeping for a couple of hours and the noise immediately felt like glass breaking all over me. I actually woke feeling the pressure of something falling on my body. Matt was up and answered the door and instantly I felt a surge of negative energy consume the room just down the hall. He came and asked if I would check the man in. I answered, “Nooooo. No way!” And when he told the guy that it was too late and we were closed the man blew cigarette smoke into the room and left pissed off. From the bed I heard the loud muffler of his truck and then the peeling out the drive way onto the main road. I knew my decision was correct! I felt horrible for a long time. It took lots of meditation, prayer and sacred visualization to remove the dark stagnant vibration left from just that moment. The heavy presence of darkness, sadness, and oppression lingered with intensity. I felt sick just from a few seconds of interaction, and it wasn’t even with me. But, we are always protected. These events confirm the depth of awareness and allowance in listening to Divine guidance.   I begin to witness how this magical place has been evolving.  We are no longer a motel on a country road.  We are heading to the goal that we’ve intended since buying this place: to be a retreat only place of peace, healing and rest.

Through sleepless hours ahead I began to think of 2014. Some years have that same negative stagnation. Some are just awesome years. This year for me has been about death, birth, transformation, loss, awareness, grief, awakening, letting go, and a lot more that I had thought was addressed years ago. I am ready, with giddiness, to welcome 2015. I am peeling out of this year, hopefully while not leaving anger and darkness behind me, but with an awareness that everything has appeared for growth. I am peeling out with rebirth and acceptance for the beautiful challenges and events that are behind us.

Yes…I am ready. Yessssss! Absolutely freaking….YES! Please join me in that excitement for a great upcoming year….

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Owning Your Fairy Tales

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We stay. We put up. We whine and complain but we remain in a familiar environment because it is all we know. Several years ago, in the midst of leaving an eighteen year old relationship I had to decide if I wanted to continue being Rapunzel on a gorgeous tower were I was a prisoner or come out into the world leaving those wealthy possessions behind. Even Rapunzel had a hard time leaving what she knew. It’s never easy to walk on faith. It’s pretty daunting moving through the unknown. After witnessing the embezzling of my business and how I was being financially cheated (both professionally and personally) I took the road less traveled. I dispersed my grown children…making sure they had their own places and I took the youngest ones. My family and friends were shocked to see how I dismantled a comfortable and wealthy life in no time once I decided to leave the tower of convenience and presumption.

As children we live our happy worlds based on fairy tales. And, to some point life can be a fairy tale. We have the ability to create all that we want but we must first allow the Universe to teach us the difference between what we “think” we want and what our “purpose” really is for this life. We do not teach our children that, yes, Cinderella did end up with the prince in a castle but the castle has a mortgage and expenses. We don’t teach them that in all those fairy tales there is the aspect of good and evil (our light vs. darkness both psychologically and spiritually). As girls we grow up believing that there will be a Prince Charming coming to save us, but be careful because He may come with a lot of addictions and baggage that won’t fit in the largest of castles.

We stay. We put up with those things that society has forced us to place higher than ourselves: money, comfort, and social standards.  We also conform to careers we can’t stand, places we dislike living in, and toxic friendships.  I can assure you that disentangling any life of familiarity is never easy. As much as we complain about our circumstances sometimes remaining is a lot more uncomplicated than leaving. And, if you are in an abusive relationship, where your Ego believes that you deserve nothing better, it is even harder to detach from what you know and move to the unknown.

I have created my own fairy tales. I am no longer Cinderella or Rapunzel. I am not Snow White and my six little dwarfs. I am no longer Frozen in my old life. I am also not a Mermaid stuck without a voice on land. I am manifesting a journey full of those things that matter: love, friendships, travels, compassion, grace, and integrity. Teaching our children to create their own fairy tales is important. We can show them examples by the way we move through our own journeys. My Prince Charming didn’t show up on a white horse. He walked in with a black Great Dane name Titan and enough humor to allow me to be me for the first time ever. I have witnessed the ability of strength and pride through my own expeditions. They have not been comfortable. They have broken me at times, and mended me beyond any happy endings I could have ever imagined.

Don’t stay for the sake of familiarity. Move through the unknown and let faith guide you. I promise that on the other side of fear lives the freedom you have dreamed through the old voices of fairy tales. You own your path and your destination through however you feel fit to create them.   It’s a matter of consciously shifting your perception from the reality you have accepted to be real.   Bravery comes through grace and allowing Spirit to guide us through the storm.

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Reminder of Living Fully

owning our feelings

What an amazing reminder….

For a great part of my life I blamed my circumstances (which were pivotal lessons in my growth) on another. I felt “stuck” and blamed the other person. I felt as if I was surviving and not living because of them. Freedom finally arrived when I saw them as teachers and took responsibility for the choices I made, the decisions I participated in, and the life I was living. Sure…it is a lot easier to blame someone else for our life not being how we envision it.  Sure…it is comforting to sit back and point to another for “ruining” our journey.  Sure…it is easier to be a martyr and victim than to fully take on those things and move forward with grace.  Grace is hard.  Moving on through the storm is painful at times.  But, when you own those feelings the illusion of blame and control go out the window. That’s an awareness that arrives with a sense of independence and no one or anything can replace it…ever again! This is where healing begins.

I am constantly being shown that the life I chose to lead was a blessing.  It has brought me here, to this point of my life and I must embrace it.  Every thought and action has pointed to this very moment.  I am the oldest I’ve ever been.  And, with each passing day I realize that freedom arrives in the form of forgiveness and letting go.  You are not responsible for anyone but yourself.  And, no one is responsible for you or your mishaps.  Things happen in the order that they do because they have been carefully orchestrated to move you to the highest possible awareness of the self.

I remember saying this to someone at some point a few years ago.  “Everything that has happened to me has been to enrich the evolution of my spirit.”  The woman immediately looked at me and said, “Really?  Even your rape was for the evolution of your spirit?”  (This was asked in a very patronizing tone). I recalled smiling and answered, “Especially the rape and every form of abuse thereafter because I am this person today due to the circumstances of my past.  I am not a victim.  I am a survivor.  The stories we share are molded to feelings: reactions, pity, joy, learning, teaching, and so on.  We share them because those stories are who we are.  We continue to share them because they must be removed from the depth of us in order to move on.”  I don’t think she agreed with me.  She continued to blame another for the “horrible things” that happened to her.  And, those were her stories.  We all have them.  They make our psyche, feeding Ego, and drowning Spirit.

So, as a reminder of what we are and who we can be…this very moment is a lesson.  Tomorrow will arrive with a different one once we release the old patterns of thoughts and feelings.  Blame serves no one.  Forgiveness is not for anyone else but yourself.  Stop carrying around the past on your back.  That backpack can’t hold anymore crap…!  Have a great Saturday.

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Disentanglement

heartsand

I let go

surfing in your ebb

following the tides of your heartbeat.

I got lost in the currents

that took me to the edge

of a new world –

I was forever yours

at that moment.

I shivered from cold,

from heat,

from disorientation

of what I’ve never known to be

because this intimacy

without words,

façade,

expectations

is not something I have known.

What will become of me now

that I’ve tasted this nectar

full of salt and sweetness

from a different earth?

This disengagement of my soul

is not a normal dive into the ocean.

I need to find my place along your side

with and without drowning in

my own deep waters….

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Two Important Questions

questions

At the end of the day there are two questions I ask myself: Did I learn everything I could from that situation? Did I love to the best of my capacity and ability today in spite of the circumstances?  Sometimes the answer is yes to both questions.  Sometimes it is a yes and a no.  Other times, with much guilt and embarrassment, the answer is “no” to both. But I am trying to get a grasp of this thing called “Being Human.”  I didn’t read the manual before arriving here on earth.  I’ve never been too sharp at taking tests.  I don’t really retain much in my cerebral cortex either.  So, had I read the manual I probably wouldn’t remember much of anything, except that the lessons require a lifetime of learning.  This thing of being a human has an array of trickiness to it.  Things sometimes just don’t make sense at all.  There are a million senseless acts performed each day all over the place.  We are being tested through every avenue: our relationships, our children, neighbors, family, friends, co-workers, strangers and the entire world.  Even nature throws a curve ball at times.

Last night I tossed and turned while the clock waited for no one.  It didn’t just stop so I could catch up…the hours went quickly and before I knew it sunrise was sneaking through the windows.  I meditated, I read, I wrote, and I tried several times to close my eyes and just be in the moment.  Being in the moment didn’t help.  I kept recalling the past two events in the news with Michael Brown in Ferguson while Eric Garner’s words echoed, “I can’t breathe” in my heart.  As much as I remain neutral through world news, politics and other mayhem I can’t help but question so many of my own choices and past decisions. With a heavy heart I allowed my higher self to answer those questions that I cannot comprehend. Humanity is shifting and there’s a wide division in its separation.   It’s an ongoing battle that seems to bring even more questions in to our existence.

I return to my own awareness admitting that I have truly loved deeply.  I have done the best I have known at the time.  This is my ego being human rather than spiritual.  When we start going back there is a monster that will always appear with regrets, shame, and guilt.   And, it is usually in the middle of the night when there’s no one to talk to, to reach out to, other than God and all the stars.

Our humanity is being tested each and every day.  I witness it constantly.  It’s as if this time acceleration has affected the very core of our belief and faith.  Why?  I don’t know.  That’s not one of those questions I ask myself every day.   I can’t.  I don’t want to go into the monstrous events of our world.  I try to live in a happy bubble.  When the bubble gets poked and emptied out I feel the depression creeping in like poison.  I cannot hold my heart in place.   I go to a place of darkness and anger.   Last night I witnessed it with such intensity.  I wish I could remember one single event from it but once daylight reached my face it was erased.

I am learning from every situation, even the events that are not directly in my path because everything that happens in our world, in our lives, is connected to one another.  The distance between us is shorter than we think.  What happens in your thoughts and consciousness is affected into the way you treat another.  It becomes part of the ripple effect.  I see it when a hurt or negative guest comes into my office.  Their demeanor affects me.  They leave the stagnant energy behind.  Now imagine this in a mass conscious level with millions of people.  It becomes war.  It becomes hatred, bigotry, and death.  We are all fighting a war with our egos.  How we express it to the world determines how we love and find peace with each other.

I have to be more mindful to be able to answer those two questions with “yeses” every day.  I cannot get sloppy with working through the difficult times.  I must love fully, even during the most challenging moments of my relationships.  I must learn to experience things even when they hurt, when they feel uncomfortable, and when they point back to me that I have screwed up (yet one more freaking time).  Ego loves to twist and turn those moments.  Ego teases me, “You suck at this humanity thing!”

As we go into this holiday season, I pray that we can consciously come together in peace.  I send my loving thoughts and prayers to the universe in hopes that I can find the positive answers to those questions that don’t have answers as well.  I wish you all love, compassion, kindness, joy, and the awareness that we are all in this together.  It starts and ends with our connections and the choices we make while answering a divine purpose for our existence.   Healing doesn’t begin to happen until we become aware of our lack of control.

Much love and light to all!  We are all here for one another in one form or another.

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