The Most Powerful is Love

love and compassionAt this very moment I sit typing on my dining room table staring at the afternoon spring shower outside while smelling the soil rise to meet the sky. It is one of those smells I love most from the earth. It smells like the decomposition of release. The earth has no problem releasing. It has absolutely zero tolerance for resistance. The earth teaches us the value of allowing.
I am called to study the way I am entering into this new role again with my daughter at home. I hear a baby cooing in the next room, my daughter and her own emotions releasing into the open space (reminding me she needs to be put back on meds or I need to be given a bottle of valium for me). Her own anger is resisting release from the abuse. Yet, this morning she began making excuses for her abuser and how long he might have to be in jail. I reminded her the black eye, the cord wrapped around her neck and the huge egg on her head (given to her less than a week ago). I am always surprised at this behavior from those who have limited capabilities to process. My role is to allow her to go through the motions. I cannot do it for her. Someone has to take the pushes on the other side of the pushing bag. My only job is to hold it tightly. Our home, Peaceful Quest Retreats, has a way of bringing up anything in a magnified sense that needs work. If the person isn’t aware of it…it can be nasty at first (pure explosion). I pray that as the days unfold she will see the light at the end of the tunnel and the gratitude for being alive. I pray she can sit outside in the sun and inhale the nurturing energy of these mountains. She’s entered into a place of grace, love and compassion. It has very little to do with me, Matt, or her sister. It has to do with the Divine. I am no longer need to fix anyone. This dynamic is beautiful. I can love her and work on increasing a vibration of pure light in my home without attaching to her drama.
I think of my own past and how I handled abused. I placed it tightly inside the earth so that no one noticed. Even now as I work in my garden I start to feel a tug of crap coming up from those days long ago. It’s funny it arrives in moments of being outdoors touching the earth. I have understood the power of avoidance and resistance. I no longer resist emotions. Resistance has always been a pivotal lesson in my life. “That which you resists, persists,” is a perfect way to remember to let go. Clarity and openness arrives from the nature of allowing life to flow. It is extremely difficult to wrestle and battle with resistance from a human perspective driven by ego. The ego is always creating illusions, sneaking in the doubts, uncertainty, fear and anxieties. As I allow the divine spirit to expand and guide me through love everything around me is taken into a beautiful accountability of love. Fear disappears once there is no control or resistance.
I have no plan for the immediate future. My daughter asked me today, remembering how much she hated the mountains (never once did this come up when she called to come home). She asked how long she “had” to stay here as if this was punishment. I told her she didn’t “have” to do anything she didn’t want. She asked to come home and we got her. Her anger is brewing. Her illusion of a perfect life is unfolding. She doesn’t have the mental capacity to plan or anticipate the near future. I told her I had no plans, “God laughs when I make a plan.” She didn’t like that answer. I received a slight grunt for it.
The divine has a way of speaking to us while utilizing our gifts of intuition. The more we resist and ignore the lessons…well, the harder it is to live comfortably in that lie. I find that spirit usually speaks through our strengths the strongest. I keep going back to this life lesson: to love unconditionally. I am aware of the reason for this incarnation. I have no doubt about the core of this conscious life lesson. The older I get the more I expand on forgiveness and compassion all through the vessel that is love.
Relationships, whether through substance abuse, food, people, sex or drama, are addictive. For the addictive mind, we create those relationships because they somehow hold a power we are looking for in ourselves. We resist in stepping back and finding it within the layers of our consciousness. Ego creates these elaborate scenarios and through resistance of strength in ourselves we attract the destructive behaviors. It is never easy to go through the separation of old patterns. My daughter has always loved drama. Inside of her sleeps several mental disorders and the drama unfolds in a way that most people would never experience. I love her because of them and for them because they push the resistance in me. They teach me patience, love, forgiveness, compassion and strength. I am not longer the one in charged or needing to tell her what to do. This is her life. This is her lessons.
Today I’ve traveled through several emotions: disrespect, anger, ingratitude, love, grace, selflessness, exhaustion, and doubt to name a few. I no longer ignore them. This is who I am and the things that make me human. This is my current position in life and I plan on exceeding at it.  It is a bumpy ride but full of a baby cooing, smiles, beauty, innocence, hope, dreams and the most powerful force of love.

Black and Blues

Yesterday morning some kind of cricket woke me right after 5AM. I woke to the sound of a bird but I know it wasn’t a bird that early. It echoed sweetness in my window. It almost sounded like she was enticing me to go outside and watch her receive another day. Funny how that works. I laid there for a while trying to gather my thoughts while meditating. My life would change by evening time. Matt, my fiancé, and I drove down to his parents to get my daughter and grand-baby for twelve hours. Like the morning cricket I sang my own version of anticipation. Her partner beat her a few days ago. I was waiting for the call for weeks. She called from the hospital. She was ready to come home. Now in jail, he will be there for a long time. She’s safe. She’s physically in a space of safety but mentally she’s still imprisoned.
One thing is to imagine or see pictures of abuse. Another is to witness the numbness, the hollowness and the distance between emotions and reality. She’s in a place I have never seen before. She’s been beaten into fear and submission like some chained animal full of neglect. This morning I woke to the baby cooing next to me in the playpen. I could hear my daughter’s deep breathing of sleep next to me. She’s not shed a tear, or shown any emotion. The stories come out as if they were something from the news. At 3:40 AM after she fed her four-month daughter I kept her on my lap staring at her with hope. They are both being held by love.
Abuse has many faces. It carries layers of illusion and perception based on the degree of fear and control. She pushed me away months ago and I had to wait. I knew it would come to this madness and I knew that witnessing that rage towards the baby would push her to call. My daughter is stubborn and strong. This young woman I am holding nearby is a dim version of her. The sassy spark is missing and with time, therapy, and love it will return. Post traumatic syndrome requires the generosity of time, compassion and deep understanding.
Today, on Easter Sunday, watching my wonderful future in-laws care for us, I feel the presence of Spirit. I see Divinity in their eyes and I can see the reflection of God through a baby’s eyes. We will go back to the mountains tomorrow, returning to a haven of healing. Central Florida will be left in the rearview mirror along with the abuse that has caused a young woman to stop existing. She’s moving through inertia without noticing life. The force of each day and night pushes her to breathe. I want her to laugh again, love deeply, and be the sweet troublemaker of mischief that still lives inside.
I looked at the black and blues on her face, swelling of her eye and can only think of what this man lived through in his own childhood. The rage, control and fear is tattooed clearly on his actions. He has a long history of pattern. My heart goes out to him in moments. A part of him is in a baby girl I will keep safely as long as I can. My human side kicks in and I would love to take a bat and beat him senseless. So, I pray that he is and will continue to be where he belongs for a very long time. I believe in karma, nonetheless I navigate through the roller coaster of my own emotions: highs, lows, dips, turns, and stops. My tears I do not suppress or hide. Compassion and forgiveness are choices. I choose them wisely and openly. I wait for my little girl to let go and shed all those tears she’s holding behind a wall. It will happen when it needs to happen and not a moment sooner. I witness the love and admiration she has for her daughter.
This morning I said to her, “You know how you love Cali Rose? You know how you would do anything for her? That’s exactly what I will always do for you.” And, for a few seconds her eyes held confirmation that she understood. Mom is always nearby even through the distance of time and space. Being a mother is never easy. There are multiple variables to this story. There will be different endings as well. I am ready. This new chapter will be full of hysterical surprises, brokenness, rebuilding and regaining of faith. We are ready. I am blessed to take her home alive. I am blessed to have so much love surround us. Life is mysterious, magical and abundant. Never take one moment for granted. God bless y’all! Love and light!!!

Naked in a Tutu Getting a Tattoo

lifetattoo

Yesterday was my 46th birthday.  Truth be told, I have been celebrating all month so technically this is still the 18th day of my birthday.  The majority of people bombard me on the 17th.  I don’t think they understand the concept of how I celebrate.  Either way, I love them for the texts, calls, emails and cards. I am filled with immense gratitude.  I am a little girl at heart.  I haven’t always been like this.  Waking up after dying for a little while makes you appreciate life in a way that others cannot relate to or want to understand.  That’s okay.  That’s what makes me giggle and keep needing to hear the earth sing every morning. I wake up every day with gratitude for those songs.

Last week I was dancing in my own tutu with little girls while making fairy houses in the woods.  I went in the creek with them.  I danced down the field.  I did what I don’t ever remember doing as a child.  In my family birthdays weren’t a big thing.  They came and went with a small cake, minor recognition and a gift.  There was no party or invitation.  It wasn’t until I left my ex and my mother passed away that I decided I would make up for that.  My ex never acknowledged my birthday.  If it wasn’t about him then it really didn’t pertain to him.  So imagine 41 years of not feeling special about the day you were born?

For as long as I can remember I always wanted a tattoo.  I wanted something that spoke to me about my life.  I’ve waited.  Yesterday my best friend and daughter took me to get one.  The tattoo artists, Baker, who was awesome, said that “A tattoo is a trophy of a good experience.” As I was being shaded, the needle moving back and forth to create the red in the heart around the dragonflies I inhaled deeply and almost cried.  This was going to be my trophy for experiencing the return to my life.  Consequently, the word life is inside the heart.  I sat through him writing it on me being conscious of the letters permanently sticking to my back.  Life has a way of waking you up when you aren’t paying attention.  I am doing more and more the things I have never done.  I am moving through the phases of the dragonfly from birth into the metamorphosis of beauty while passing through love. If I believe and think myself as loved, I can love, believe and accept others. If I forgive myself, I can graciously forgive others. We cannot give what we don’t own in ourselves. If I hold compassion for me, I can surely be compassionate for others. I can give all that I am.

Wow…this is my life, full of love and dragonflies. In a way I felt I was silittlefairytting there naked, raw to the core, thinking of my tutu and dancing with the fairies.  We create from what we know and allow of ourselves.  There’s no difference between me and a homeless person or someone with a needle in their arm ready to check out of this world.  What separates us is the choices we make, the paths taken, and the awareness to continue.  That’s it.  I have been fortunate to have an amazing support system of loved ones who drag my ass out of desperation when I have slipped.

No matter what the struggle is you are still alive and can make a choice.  If you want to dance in a tutu do so.  If you want to sing in the supermarket, do it.  We are here on such little borrowed time to be able to love and enjoy one another.  Don’t let the projection of others or your own insecurities tarnish your dreams.  Go for them. Make them happen.  Now if you would excuse me I have to go find my unicorn and take a ride through the forest.  Have a magical day!

Unearthing

rain-room-at-moma-12

The smell of jasmine,
wisteria and spring
woke me
leading into
the awareness of rain.
The wind chimes danced
in full desperation and anticipation.
Frogs croaked,
crickets chirped
and the valley,
flustered with joy
exhaling deeply
and mindfully.
I wanted to join the Earth,
her wetness engulfing me,
while I danced under the moonlight.
I stood on the deck,
darkness snuggling,
cuddling my humanness,
hollowing the spaces of gratitude
breathing with intensity and love
as everything became silent
during this intimate voyeurism.
I am awake.
I am here.
I am divinity.
I am….

Lessons from Dying

metaphysics

Death is a taboo.  No one wants to discuss it or face it because the fear of it is greater than the reality. I remember reading some article years ago that when asked thousands of people what their biggest fear was they said “death: mine or someone near to me.”  This type of death we have been taught to fear is an illusion and only a transition.  Now three months later I have woken to deeper lessons of dying.

Lesson 1:  The hardest part of dying is waking up.  I traveled to a beautiful place.  The light that embraced me felt like nothing here on earth.  Makes you wonder why anyone would want to return, huh?  I asked that question for a month and a half.  We return from that experience just because we must (it doesn’t help that someone is pulling your butt away from the light either).  There’s no great mystery to it.  There are moments in my days that seem to stop me for a bit and I return to that place of safety, love, and omnipotence.  In waking up there is the melting of illusion.  Life is a magical experience.  Yet, most people take it for granted, bogged down with the control, anxiety, and fear of living the lengths and widths of such a fortitude.

Lesson 2:  Your body is a great wardrobe.  Every morning I have to re-size myself to fit into this skin.  I wake with such immensity.  That was a huge issue when I returned from the “beyond.”  I didn’t fit into my body.  There was this expansion and greatness that didn’t modify to what I knew was Millie’s body.  I looked around me and saw everyone’s light so much larger than their costume.  I kept asking myself, “How do I get inside and stay in there?”  I stopped trying.  I just went with it.  Your body is the best outfit you will ever have.  Treat it with kindness and love.  Give it the consideration it deserves.   Your heart beats to keep you alive along with every organ in that outfit.  Love it!

Lesson 3:  Growth is marvelous; stagnation sucks; laughter is the teacher of all.  This doesn’t read like a lesson but I promise it is one of my favorites.  I don’t know the problem anymore to anything.  I see the potential to the story, the event, the issue, and the whatever.  I see the drama behind the words when someone is sharing with me the woes and stagnation.  And, then I witness that turning those situations around and noticing the ridiculous insanity to them creates laughter.  Growth is a conscious effort to move beyond what is not real. We all have the capacity to move past what doesn’t serve us, or causes us hurt.  Nothing is easy.  If it was then we would not learn from it at all.  Let joy be your travel agent through these stories you keep reliving.

Lesson 4: Love is the source.  It is the only source of the universe.  It is the only source of your being.  Love is all.  You want love?  Look in the mirror.  It starts with you.  Forgive others.  What they think of you is their own issues and a reflection of their own insecurities.  The beginning and end of all is you.

Lesson 5:   Live now.  Don’t wait for the children to leave home, the parents to pass on, the retirement check to start rolling in, and the won’ts and can’ts that make absolutely no sense to the present moment.  Live for today!  Make a gratitude journal.  Walk outside for five minutes.  Be alone.  Be with people.  Laugh at yourself at least one time every hour.  Look at the sky and its infinite wonders.  Look at yourself and your greatness.  Live every moment with awareness that you are on borrowed time.   You know that feeling when you go on vacation and everything is just perfectly special?  The moments are full of joy and just being away from your normal life is soothing?  Well that’s your privilege for living.  Make your life a vacation.  Even in vacations there’s work to be done, but you don’t mind it, right?  Play!  Pick a childlike moment and return to it.  Life is what you make of it.

I would be lying if I said that my life is peachy ALL the TIME. I still ride the emotional roller coaster of struggles and disappointments that then dip into man-made stories of doubt.  If everything was enlightening all the time I wouldn’t stop and learn anything.  The difference now is that I understand why those lessons appear in my path.  I also desire to grasp and incorporate everything to the wholeness of me. I am grateful for visiting with deep emotions: anger, sorrow, joy, forgiveness, compassion and love (to name a few).   I believed in magic before dying.  Now I live it every day.  You go do the same!!!

The Deciding Factor

letting go

How do we let go? Some people believe that anchoring ourselves to something is of great courage, strength, and honor. These are signs and adjectives for letting go, not holding on. There are times when it takes an audacious spirit of bravery to realize that letting go is a means of survival. Letting go is not failure, on the contrary, it is the door to victory.

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about that thing, that person, that event, that circumstance, or whatever else has you imprisoned with hopelessness. Letting go means that those things served their purpose to teach, mold, embrace and give you a sense of freedom. Letting go is finally releasing that which caused major control in your life.
Yesterday I spent the day with my little cousins (ages 5 – 9). We were making fairy houses for our woods. Every so often I would hear one of them complain that “I can’t do this, or I can’t make that.” I finally expressed to them that “can’t” is not a nice word. “Can’t” stops you from moving forward. The word “can’t” should not be in their vocabulary. Every other time they said it they caught themselves (sometimes looking at me and putting their hands over their little mouths) and changed the word. They were letting go of an old behavior that stops them from trying, growing, and moving forward. Letting go applies to so much more than just breaking off from a life decision!
When it comes to letting go of people and relationships we truly hang on to the side of a cliff. We leave claw marks on the rocks. We walk a tightrope from one valley to another. It is amazing the things we do to force a circle into a small square. It’s fantastic to watch how liberating it is to finally let go of the control. The illusion of control diminishes our worth. Fear of change added to the idea of failure equals stagnation and heartbreak.
I woke this morning letting go. I opened my eyes and breathed in the humidity as the rain is being held by clouds. Nature has a way of dumping and never looking back. Once it releases it doesn’t think, “Oh, crap did I do that right? Should I had let go of that rain, that storm, that hurricane? Man, what will these humans think of me?” It is in our nature to do the same. All we had to do is face those things that no longer serve our spirit. The word “can’t” has no business being part of your language. Do it! Releasing those things that no longer serve you is the deciding factor.

“Come to the cliff, he said.
They said, we are afraid.
Come to the cliff, he said.
They came.
He pushed them.
And they flew.”

Charmin’ Life

together

My cousins visited this weekend. One of them is in her twenties and has such a tremendous insight to life with so much gusto that you can’t help but get sucked into her passion. She’s married to a wonderful young man who is…well, bigger than life. Anything he thinks about he gets because he believes it. He’s Mr. VIP! When I say this I mean it. You meet him and immediately get bombarded by optimism and motivation. Having her here alone as she shared stories about Mr. VIP (Rami) I was completely mesmerized. This young generation (of my own kids’ ages) is truly aspiring for more than when I was their age. They KNOW that there is no wasted time to get from here to there. Things need to be done NOW. I love that. My cousin, Tatiana, was in the military. She is phenomenal (helps that she has amazing parents). Her husband, Mr. VIP, is truly on his way to becoming a younger Tony Robbins…well, maybe just for me and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Things are changing. We aren’t waiting to retire to do the things we always wanted to do. Those in their twenties are coming into the adult world with an idea of how they want to live their lives. In my generation it has taken two decades to finalize those thoughts and still wonder, “Am I on the right track?” And, this is fine. Time is an illusion. It slips through our hands when we try to control it.
Tatiana shared a quote from her husband, Rami, “Everything you want for your life is a conversation away.” I sat there, opened mouth, holding my breath, finally making her repeat the words slowly. This is manifestation. This is the power of intention. If you can’t converse with another you can’t learn or move on. Everything in life is only one word away. WOW! Isn’t that fantastic?
We are taught not to ask for help. We have been conditioned to work things out on our own. Vulnerability has been passed along as a weakness. I find myself opening up more and more. Just writing and sharing has taken me beyond my own expectations. Why? Because ‘everything I want for me is only a conversation away.’ Plain and simple!
What do you want? How do you want it? Who will you share your life’s passion with? What will it require for you to get there? What is your greatest fear? What’s the worst case scenario? Go to those dark places you refuse to visit inside and ask those questions. Share them with others. Life is not meant to be a struggle alone. You have others with you.
I recently met a man at the grocery store check-out line. He asked why I was loading up on so much toilet paper. I have an issue with toilet paper (this is maybe a little personal for the blog but go with me on this). I only buy Charmin brand. I have been rich and I have been poor but I will not settle for any other brand. When it is on special I get a lot of it. I have an illogical concern of running out of my toilet paper. Silly, huh? What he noticed was that I bought a different brand in bulk (which is for the motel/retreat center). In his curiosity I saw some judgment. I explained that my ass couldn’t handle anything else other than Charmin. He laughed. My openness surprised and probably shocked him. There was a few but’s (and not the ones you wipe or sit on) and I explained to him this, “I know what I want. I know what I like. I know I have to work extra hard to get those few things I won’t substitute or change. These are the things that mold me, break me when I am in fear, and the things that humor me when I am in joy.” The older gentleman laughed, smiled, and truly got it. He got out of line and went to get some Charmin. What changed? I don’t know. Perhaps he wanted to feel the same simplicity of my joy. Conversations are contagious. Make them great. Share…even in such ridiculous moments of being way too opened with a stranger. I am who I am. You are who you are. Make no excuses for the life you live and it’s authenticity. And, that my friends, is beautiful. We are all connected via words, a glance, a touch, and a story.
Even though Mr. VIP wasn’t here this weekend his stories became mine. And, I am forever grateful! Sometimes you are the teacher and other times you are the student. Life is a classroom!

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